Hurt

You can have it all,
my empire of dirt,
but I will let you down.

I will make you hurt.

Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does.

Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all of the lives I am not living.
-Jonathan Safran Foer

Mr. Foer is one of my new favorite people. I have read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close and am almost through with Everything is Illuminated. His novels are like nothing I have ever read before. Each novel is closer to an art experiment than anything that resembles literature. His novels are sad, humorous, and incredibly profound. He most reminds me of Dave Eggers' Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Both books center around love but not the normal Nora Roberts love. No, something much more deep than that. They even ask whether love really exists and about its nature. I have thoroughly enjoyed his books. He needs to write another one!

Graduation

I am so scared. I didn't think I would be. I wasn't until yesterday or so. Tomorrow really begins the rest of my life. I will be an adult. I will never again live in my parents' house for an extended period of time. My group of friends.. Well, it will be gone in a year or two. There are people whom I have seen frequently for 18 years whom I will never see again. That is scary. So scary.

We as humans long for predictability and consistency. Consistency can be depressing but it is also comfortable. We long to know what lies around the corner.

Well right now, I don't know. I just don't know. I'm glad to be at this transition. And I'm glad that I have chosen to make this a drastic transition. I know that someday I will be a better woman for it. I am so excited about my life. I know that it will never be boring or unexciting. I like the person I am becoming. But life is just going to keep going. No matter what I do, its going to keep going. Not fast or slow. Just the way it is. It's scary.

Muss es sein? Es muss sein. Es muss sein.

A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.

Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

The Blurred Line Between a Dream and Reality

The insomnia came back. Last night, I lay. I stroked the cat. Moved the pillow. Did math with the numbers on my alarm clock. I thought. I worried. I stressed. Then I drifted off.

Earlier yesterday I had a fight. I guess I kept those feelings bottled up. I guess they were worse than I originally thought. The same event occurred in my dream, except it was more extreme. I woke up wondering what had actually happened. I wondered if I had actually cursed him out or not. I was so confused. I am still not sure what happened yesterday and what happened in some alternate universe contained within my brain.

I woke up at five, unable to fall back asleep. So I went on hulu and became addicted to steep and cheap.

Then I went to school, where I continued to worry. I avoided several people. I gave up. Long ago.

Everyone I know is either frustrated by, disappointed in, annoyed with, tired of, or indifferent to me. I just need to finish. That is all I need to do. Will I continue to let people down? Yes. I just can't do it anymore. I can't please everyone, so I have decided to not please anyone.

I said the other day that I was disillusioned. I guess that is the right way to say it.

Oh and I have a fever again. Off and on for multiple months. I don't know what is going on.

Disappointment

Today I was once again disappointed by humanity. I needed shoes for prom, so I headed over to the mall. I have an interesting relationship with shopping. Part of me loves it. And part of me despises it. Well first off, I hate clothing. If it were up to me, we would all walk around naked. I think we would all be so much more comfortable around eachother. After all, we all know what is under there. Maybe if the obsession with sex were toned down just a bit, superficiality would go with it. We all act like we are so unique and so important. If we all walked around nude, some of that uniqueness would be gone. We would be more like animals.

I don't like clothing because of its role in society. It is so nonsensical yet so ingrained in all of our minds. It's ridiculous. A man is supposed to wear a tie. This color goes with that color. You wear dark colors in the winter. Etc. There is not one logical reason that goes with those ideas, yet they are accepted. Any people who do not follow the rules are thought to be idiots. A tie is a waste of atoms, in my opinion.

I hate that people judge others by their appearance. 1. You can't control your genes. 2. I think that anyone who wastes their life just buying clothing is a fool. Yet that person would be respected by most people.

Anyway, back to my story:

I went in so many stores and tried on shoes. I had no idea that my feet were considered gigantic, but 10s/11s are I guess. Everywhere I went the salespeople sort of chuckled when I told them my size. Anyway, I started to get desperate. Dillards was my last option, so I decided I would have to buy some shoes there, whether I loved them or not.

A woman approached me, asking if I needed help. Let's call her woman A. I said sure and handed her two shoes that I wanted to try on. She got them from the back and all was well. Neither of them worked, so I starting looking for other options. Maybe four different people asked if I had been helped. I found some other pairs to try and went to stand next to the door where the person who had been helping me had gone. Another woman came out and asked if I needed help. Let's call her woman B. I said that someone had been helping me, but I wasn't sure where she had gone. Woman B went to get the shoes for me.

I stayed where I was, and the woman A came back out, wanting to know if I wanted to buy the shoes. I said that woman B had went to get the other shoes for me. She freaked out and started asking me "What woman???" Woman B came out with a pair of shoes, and woman A started verbally attacking her. I didn't realize that they worked so heavily on commissions. Woman A turned out to be quite a selfish jerk. She acted like woman B had been stealing her customer, when she hadn't. She had hesitated to help me.

Don't these people know that the customer is always right? That it is more important for everyone to be friendly than for one person to get the commission.

I swear, every time I start to like people, they completely disappoint me. Human nature is so foolish and selfish. It drives me crazy.


Oh, and I didn't buy the shoes. So ha on you woman A.

In with the new.

After about 7 months, I think I might have finally snapped out of it, that rut in which I have been. Today felt good. Well, pretty good. I felt proud of myself and of my capabilities. Was I still a bit off? Yeah, but that's ok.

However, I never cease to be disappointed by how boring most people are. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME OUT THERE? DOES ANYONE CARE? CAN ANYONE DO SOMETHING JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT? CAN ANYONE COME ON AN ADVENTURE WITH ME? CAN ANYONE SEE SOMETHING NEW WITH ME?

out with the old. in with the new.