What am I capable of?

Today was a miserable day. There just isn't another word to describe it. I had been dreading it for weeks. I could have made it better, but I did not. I chose to make it worse.

Last night I stayed up late doing absolutely nothing. I was exhausted. I did not go to bed, because I knew that I still had a fair amount of work to do. I thought that I would eventually do it. But instead, I just went to bed without writing my paper that was due a week ago, yes a week ago. I did not read Russell's "Why I am Not a Christian" for English. This is particularly significant because I have wanted to read that essay for a while. I go out of my way to read atheist propaganda.

When I woke up this morning, I seriously considered skipping. I did not. I went to school, and the whole day was hectic because I had not done my homework the night before. During chemistry, I put Russell's essay in my book and read it. I also did a t-test for statistics. I had a meeting and then had statistics class. Right before statistics class I slipped into the physics lab and printed an article about Eva Parón, the person I had to write a paper about. I spent statistics class and calculus class skimming the article and handwriting a paper. I snuck out of calculus early and slipped into the computer lab. I typed the 4oo word paper up and printed it, in time to turn it in the next period. I then had a Spanish test that I had not studied for at all. By this time I was shaking because I had just put so much effort into writing and then typing an entire paper while being in class. My Spanish teacher noticed that something was off. She kept looking at me during the class. I got out of that class as soon as I could.

Then it was lunch time. I planned to run home and get pictures that I needed for Web Design class. When I got home, I could tell that someone else was home, so I snuck back out before they saw me and ran to Subway. I then sped back to school in time for English class. I had a quiz, and then my teacher addressed me in front of the class and asked me if I was ok. I said yes. What else could I have said? I think my Spanish teacher must have said something to him. Ugh. I hope that that was the most that could result from my little detour.

After school I came home and tried to figure out what was wrong. I discovered that I had a fever. I have been feeling weird all week. I am not sure why. I do not have a cold or anything like that. But I have been feeling dizzy and faint. I've never actually fainted, so I am not sure how close I have come to fainting. It's weird. I'm actually pretty worried about this.

Then I had 3 and half hours to psyche myself up over my project committee meeting. I have been so nervous about it. I have been avoiding all members of my committee since we last met in November! Seriously, when I see one of them I turn around or hide behind someone else. They said that they liked my paper? How the heck can they like my paper? It is horrible. It doesn't have a point. I obviously don't have a clue what I'm talking about. I wrote all 17 pages over the course of 3 days. I did all the research as I went along. They were talking about publishing it and stuff. WTH?

What is off between me and the world? I cannot decide whether people just feel bad for me and think that I put a lot of effort into it. I did not put any effort whatsoever. If they were giving me a grade for the sheer amount of stress I have given myself over it then I should get an A. But actual effort? A C tops. Do I just have higher standards than other people? Are other people really that stupid? How can their papers be that much worse? Or do they think that because I have never had a B in my life that a C would kill me? I want the grade that I deserve. I have not worked hard at all this year, and I deserve Cs. I don't really care that much though.

Back to my paper. I wrote it in 3 days, albeit 3 very stressful days that made me want to kill myself. I did not read through it before sending it. I did not correct anything. And they thought it was good? What the heck? I thought they were going to tear me apart. I refused to read it until today, because I thought I would be thoroughly embarrassed by it. I don't know. I just don't get it. Sometimes I think that everyone must just be putting me on. What would they think of a paper that I actually put effort into? It's weird.